blackie o: hello, this is michelle.
laura bush: hey girl! it’s me!
bo: me? me, who? oprah? i told you do NOT call me “girl”. i don’t care if it’s about talking “sista to sista” it ain’t ok with me, you dig?
lb: no, no. it’s not oprah. it’s ME! lo!
bo: huh? lindsay lohan?
lb: no, it’s laura.
bo: laura…hmm. branigan? webber? mars? ingalls? gotta be a white chick. i never heard of a sista named laura. laura who?
lb: bush. laura bush! did you forget me?
bo: (audible sigh) oh no i sure didn’t. i just didn’t expect you to call me, much less on my private cellie. you know, again.
lb: oh i have been trying to call you for days! i guess you changed your number.
bo: gee, i wonder why.
lb: well, i left you several dozen messages last week.
bo: yeah, i got em. girl, why you think i changed the damn number on my sidekick? girl, i am busy. we got ourselves a transition to manage.
lb: i know, and you know, i want to help.
bo: i’m a tell you how to help my black ass…keep on packing up your tacky stuff because my decorator is coming next week. i want him to see everything without yo’ damn clutter everywhere.
lb: well that is why i was calling. i was wondering if you wanted me to leave a few things, specifically the…
bo: HOLD UP RIGHT THuRRR. i don’t need it or want it whatever it is.
lb: not even the hand-knotted laura ashley rug in the study?
bo: EKSPECIALLY that thing. do i look like i want cabbage roses on my floors?
lb: well i always loved flowers, and i think its from growing up in texas, where there was so much heat….the flowers always died. now i like to see them everywhere.
bo: um, that’s all nice and good, but y’all can start using vases because yo ass is going back to texas, ya dig?
lb: oh i know. i was wondering if you felt the same about flowers….you know, growing up in projects and such, you probably didnt have any gardens.
bo: sista say wha? growin’ up huh?
lb: yes, you know, “the PJs” i think they are called. they sound like lots of fun! will you take me to one sometime soon?
bo: oh. no. you. better. don’t. i have never lived in no projects, ya dig?
lb: oh, well, i thought that…
bo: girl, you think? you got brain all up under that helmet on your head?
lb: you mean my hair? oh honey, well, i don’t want to be rude, since it is not very southern, but my hair is my own. my dear, can you say that?
bo: (talking to someone in the background) someone hold my earrings. i’m a whoop some ass. take this phone…i’m done. change this number…again
lb: hello? michelle? are you there? i’m just curious about your hair. is that wrong? hello? michelle? hello?
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NOTE FROM ME: i know these are long. but tough shit. read em. they crack me up.
i have received countless (ok, 7) emails about my lack of blogging.
